im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
