Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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