Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
