i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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