You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
