just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
