I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
