My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
