and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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