I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
