Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
