I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
