I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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