M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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