His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
