tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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