He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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