you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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