my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
