Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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