i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We left an ass print on the piano.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
