My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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