I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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