I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
