is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
