the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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