I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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