we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sarcasm needs its own font
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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