I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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