I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
