I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
