Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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