she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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