So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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