I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
