Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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