I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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