if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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