She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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