I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
