don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm getting married
To pizza
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
