you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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