I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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