did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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