I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
