In the future we'll all be gay
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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