Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
