the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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