Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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