Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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