I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
