god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stole a fireplace last night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
