it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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