come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
