No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
