Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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