just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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