Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
