people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
