"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
