I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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