he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize