How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
