hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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