are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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