My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
