Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
